30
Today, I'm exactly 10950 days old. Most people celebrate these things. And when you're turning 30, most people tell you how "30 is the new 20", or "the best of life is still in front of you". And I'm sure there is truth in this -- it's never too late for many things. Anthony Bourdain, whom I consider to be my hero, only achieved "success" at 42; one of my best friends didn't have a kid until she was 39; and my (now former) teammate is kicking asses in the pool still at 36.
But that's not me. I know that 30 is, in fact, exactly 10 older than 20, and in my case, it is also 10 older than 28. I already occasionally wake up with such intense pain in my back or abdomen that I need a 30-minute warmup before I can even think about leaving the bed, let alone putting running shoes or speedos on. Every time I squat to pet my dog, my knees make such a racket that the poor thing thinks it's the 4th of July and runs under the bed. My current packing list now contains "pill cases" and "prescriptions", and I can't remember when was the last time Garmin (or anyone else, for that matter) told me "good job" on a workout.
At this point though, someone will tell me that I should be a bit more optimistic.
The thing is, I know that because I expect a lot from myself, I'm bound to be disappointed. I was writing my "do it before 30 lists" while turning 20 and "riding high". I got accepted to one of the best universities in the world, I was swimming as well as I ever would, I had just "got rid" of a very annoying epilepsy medication (ha!). I wrote the list while on a remote island with my dad, dreaming of what the future might hold. Some of the things that were on my list:
- "Earn the first million"
- "Publish a paper in Science/Nature"
- "Swim 400 under 4:00"
- "Publish a picture in Nat Geo"
- "Be in as good of a shape as you are now"
- "Love what you do"
- "Own a vintage Porsche"
- "Be a better man than other men in your family have been"
Keen-eyed amongst you might have realised the folly of a young man, as some of these are antithetical. If I indeed went for a science career, aiming to publish some shit in Science/Nature, I'd almost certainly NOT have a million. Similarly, if I had dedicated my life solely to photography, neither would I be a scientist, nor would I have been financially stable. But the fact of the matter is I haven't done any of these things.
While in retrospect, this is not terribly surprising, what shocks me is just how far away from them I am. Because I'm here, entering 30, with nothing to really show for it. Fattest I've ever been, barely being able to climb a flight of stairs let alone swim a 400, shut off any sort of photography dreams in suitcases with my camera gear, with a deep burnout on everything PhD related. With a history of cheating, lying, and being a thorough and utter arsehole to the most important people in my life. Deeply unsatisfied with where I ended up. In terms of financial stability, I have $47.63 in my account and am currently, for all intents and purposes, homeless. But if I've learned anything in the past year or so it is that it is ok to give up on my dreams (in the same way I gave up on my hair).
Because life sometimes throws you curveballs you can't really predict or prepare for. The past year alone has counted 9 panic attacks, a diagnosed anxiety disorder, 2 best friends lost (one to death, one to me being an idiot), 2 pieces of cancerous tissue removed, moved 4 times over two continents, and supported my mum through two (that we know of) heart attacks. And the list doesn't stop there.
So why spend today any different than the rest?
For all the good moments, I guess. Firstly, I woke up today [1]. But also, while it's hard to be optimistic, in the past roughly 1565 weeks on this planet I've had some incredible moments. I've seen the sunrise on 4 continents. I've slept in a barn, a hanok, a tent, in a first-class seat on a plane, on a beach under the stars, on a floor of the bathroom, and in one of the most expensive hotels in NYC. I danced to the Ramones and Frank Sinatra while making lunch; laughed so hard I cried from a joke only one person would understand (and was lucky to spend 10 years being their best friend), found all the shrines in Zelda, and binge-watched Shits Creek and B99. I almost got arrested for stealing my own passport. I've tried some of the best coffees in the world, drank water from a river and a glacier, and mistaken soju for water during a Korean heatwave. I've eaten beans out of an ice cream container (in Raslina), fish from a candy shop (in Busan), pig's anus (in Seoul), and the most expensive chicken broth ever made (in Barcelona), cheese that I bartered for with my hands (in Grindewald). I've been a national record holder, and a Dartmouth record holder, and spent 25 years doing the sport I occasionally loved. I've biked over 100 miles in a day, danced in front of an audience, ice-climbed in (and out) of the crevasse. I had a home-made spa day overlooking the river. I've seen a sun halo on one of the most memorable days of my life. Chased the end of the rainbow in an Irish national park and biked the Ring of Kerry. I went to a 2-star restaurant just to eat 6 deserts. I've spent the last of my savings to take my family on a trip of their lifetimes. I've also taken myself to one. And I've never seen a fucking puffin. And through all of these experiences, I've nourished my relationships with my friends, loved ones and complete strangers.
And even though some of these people are not here anymore, the memories we made along the way stayed with me and are (and will be) worth remembering on every birthday. Even though I know that I'll never again spend a day in Boscastle trying to find dolphins, play "Ezio" with Massa, nor will I ever enjoy Neil's perfect scones in Warsaw, hitting this stupid age mark is as good of an opportunity as any to look back on the things I did do. The highs and the lows.
So no, I'll not celebrate. But I'll bother to get up and share a meal and reminisce with the few people who are still around and think of those who aren't.
Because there is some light on the horizon too. I've started a new job and will be moving again. I'm scheduled to travel to Singapore and Italy, to attend weddings in Korea and in Mexico this year. I should at some point also get awarded my PhD. I'm not getting younger, fitter, or healthier. Most of my 20-year-old-me dreams have become just that -- dreams. But life still has some point to it and I'm hoping to embrace it. Forgive what there is to forgive; hope for forgiveness myself. Live, love, and have more desserts.
And for the next decade, I've decided to learn from my mistakes. This time I'm setting only one goal. Make it to 40. Let's see how that one goes.
[1] Hopefully -- I'm writing this in advance.
